There is a Toxic Waste Site, and It Is YOU!

Out of curiosity, and on the recommendation of a co-worker, I brought a product called Patch-It. They are individually wrapped sticky patches, a detox system, that, as the directions recommend, you put on the soles of your feet just before bed. The claim is that they remove toxins by stimulating acupressure points. They are for anyone who “wants to get up in the morning with a spring in their step after a good nights [sic] sleep” (I am already skeptical when the grammar and punctuation in promotional copy are wrong). Okay, I tried them, and by morning they had collected some awful-looking black stuff from the clean soles of my feet.

The problem is that there is no explanation of exactly how and why this works. I want to believe, but at the same time, I’m suspicious. I always have my rip-off antennae pulled to full length. These patches remind me of an experience I had, or witnessed, some years ago:

I accompanied a roommate (she’ll remain anonymous because I’m sure, though I haven’t seen or spoken to her in many years, that she would not want this known) to the storefront of a gypsy fortune teller on the east side of Manhattan. You know the ones. They’ll remove a curse as well as your purse. Well, anyway, I went with my roommate on her second trip. Madame Whoever-It-Was had given her an egg on the previous week. She was supposed to put it under her bed (which she did), the Madame said, at which time, evil would be drawn from her and into the egg.

I thought it was pretty fantastic (not as in terrific, but as in preposterous), but I went anyway, out of curiosity. Well, the gypsy-lady mumbled a few words over the egg, pressed it to my roommate’s solar plexus and suddenly cracked it into a small glass bowl. Lo and behold, there was some sort of glob of black, hairy, stringy gook mixed with the white and yolk. That, the gypsy-lady said, was the evil curse, now removed. And yes, her purse was quite a bit lighter.

Now, pulling these patches off in the morning reminded me of the cracking of the egg.

So, what is this shit? True toxins? And why would toxins be excreted through acupressure points? Are they the result of a chemical reaction between the ingredients in the patches and the acids in my skin? Hmmm . . . Research is called for. In the meantime, I’m going to try them on the palms.